I’m restless, yet I refuse to get off my ass. I have a hundred things to do, yet I refuse to get off my ass. I have time sensitive matters to attend to, yet, you guessed it, I refuse to get off my ass.
When I was younger, sitting on my ass and playing video games was fine. It’s cool, Tim, just sit there drinking your Skyy vodka straight from the fifth, drinking your Yuengling, chain smoking Marlboro menthols. Get mad because you’re stuck on that stage on Splinter Cell. Kick the TV. Break your toe.
Some days I wish it was that simple again. It could’ve been, if I had never gotten ambition. I was content with that life for a long time, and I would’ve been in it still if not for the realization that I had a family who counted on me. It was when my twin daughters were on their way in 2005 that I realized I couldn’t live that way, and I had to work hard if I wanted to provide.
I wouldn’t take any of it back. I like having ambition. I like being driven. My life wouldn’t be what it is without that drive.
There’s one drawback. As my energy and mental states wax and wane, so does my drive and ambition. It wasn’t always like that, though. I used to be able to plow through and make shit happen no matter what. Now? Often I’m a slave to my emotions.
My mental state. There we go. That’s the issue here. Honestly, I’m not 100% sure what the fuck is happening in my head most of the time. Things that probably shouldn’t make sense do, and vice versa. I have vision but lack drive. There’s no doubt where my attention should be focused, but I can’t bring my attention to it. Procrastination. Avoidance. Failure.
Sometimes I feel bulletproof, and others I feel small and afraid. I’m a boy in a man’s body.
FUCK, I wish it could be easier. Have you ever felt like you’re rebelling against the things YOU decided you wanted? I feel like that a lot. Laying on the couch is my picket line against the job I not only took, but I created in the first place. I’m the owner picketing his company.
It’s not like that thinking snuck in. I recognize it for exactly what it is; a poison. A wolf in wolves’ clothing. Rather than posting defense, I succumb to gnashing tooth and claw.
It’s hard to say why I do the things I do. I’ve been spending years trying to unravel my head and get to the bottom of it, but there’s always more. Of course some of it is mental illness, but how much of it is just a defect of character? Defects can often be addressed and adjusted, or at least you can find a workaround. Hell, you can find workarounds for most issues involving mental illness. So why can’t I overcome?
I put systems in place. I use apps, make lists, take notes. I utilize my calendar. It always falls apart and I have to pick up the pieces and start over. Sometimes I just can’t trust myself to do what I should. It’s a nasty feeling.
Being self judgmental becomes easy when you keep fucking up your plans. And being unreasonably hard on yourself is easy when you’re a perfectionist. I’m actually a big fan of forgiving yourself for falling short, but there’s a limit. At some point it’s no longer an issue of falling short, but one of refusal to act. Refusal to act doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Not trying isn’t acceptable.
So I’ll get up tomorrow. I’ll make it past composing my to do list, past my repetitive writing of long term goals. When I get to items on my lists, I’ll make an attempt. I’ll walk upstairs to get my wallet to pay a bill instead of saying I’ll do it later. I’ll do 20 push-ups instead of saying I’m tired. I’ll pack a lunch instead of eating out.
Effort matters. When you put forth no effort, you know what the result will be. Not trying equals failure. Once you make the decision not to try, you’re a lamb waiting for slaughter, just watching wolves on the horizon. No need for sheep’s clothing.
Don’t be a lamb, where the wolves are procrastination. Be a wolf, and the lambs are your tasks and goals.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. If you enjoyed it, please consider subscribing. If you want to support my writing and message, please share this post to your social media accounts. Thank you!