What shit you ask? Well, all of it. But I think we’re probably all too old for this shit.
I’m going to skip everything in the political climate, and I’m going to skip the economy. I think everyone knows where I stand on the issues. Instead, I’m going to talk about mental health. Whoah, a surprise topic I never talk about!
Historically, my mental health is a derailed train. Even when I’m good, it’s mostly been shaky. Most of the times I thought I was normal, I was hypomanic, and when I thought I was depressed, I was usually dysphoric.
I didn’t get properly medicated until I was 43. I was diagnosed bipolar shortly before I turned 41, and it took over 2 years to get my meds into a healthy place. I then experienced almost 2 straight years of actual normalcy. I was dealing with life stress, but I managed it with what my psychiatrist said was normal response. I had ups and downs but they weren’t as extreme as they usually were. I found normalcy.
The thing is, life has a way of kicking you in the balls when you’re doing alright. I’ve had a rough go the last few months. I won’t even get into it, but we’ll say a lot of my life is in upheaval right now. I’m back in therapy, stepped up my visits to my psych, and I’m managing it all the best I can. Doesn’t make it all suck less. They both say I’m dealing with things well, but I haven’t been in a great place for a long time. Med changes keep me stable, but my baseline is pretty low.
One of the things depression will do is make you sick of people preaching positivity. I subscribed to the ideas behind personal development prosperity brainwashing for a long time. You can probably read back through old blogs and find some of it. The whole positive mindset gives you a positive life, thriving and passion, and all of that.
I can’t stand any of it now. It feels like a lie. I stayed positive, I kept a good mindset, I worked hard, pushed toward goals. Still bipolar with my life a situational mess. Things beyond my control. Oh, and things that I’ve done when in episodes that I had to pay the cost for. Over and over. It sucks when you have to take personal responsibility for things you couldn’t stop yourself from doing.
I don’t believe joy is the end goal in your life. Joy is an emotion and they come and go. Contentment is the best we can do. Just saying “this is good enough, I can live with this.” That’s what we should be shooting for. I for one don’t think I’m going to ever have a life I am in love with. I’m just going to have a life I can deal with. That’ll have to be good enough for a bipolar guy who has fucked up a lot.
People have been telling me I’m negative, but do yourself a favor and google depressive realism. People falsely believe wonderful things will happen to them when they statistically don’t. Why do people keep playing the lottery? A lot of life is disappointment and settling for less than the greatest because most of the time it’s unattainable. And most people don’t want to face that because it makes them feel small and helpless.
I mean, we are, really. We’re small and helpless in the face of circumstance. And whether our choices and actions led us there or not, dealing with the shitty aspects of life is not something we set out to do. We try to avoid bad things, but they happen anyway, and sometimes it’s by our own hand.
So suck it up and move forward, knowing that contentment is the goal. Good enough is the best most can hope for, and settling is just a compromise with the horrors of reality. I’ll be happy for contentment, because right now I have none.